The Orchid Garden

A toxic BM turned invisible BM (Update – long)

Question:

 >She loved them and doted on them when they were babies,  >but became depressed and couldn’t deal with them when  >they became older children/teens.  She just couldn’t  >relate to them any more, and as each one grew up, she’d  >"replace" him or her with another baby to love and dote  >on. Another possibility is that the distance between her and the kids, even though she has said that her ‘job was done’, has turned into feelings of guilt and the disappearance is how she’s dealing with it. Lots of people react that way. Tracey

Response:

n…@impactwp.com wrote: > Weird. Have you or DH tried to speak to BM to find out what’s going on?

Not really. DH did try calling her in the summer because SD19 was supposed to go visit her. But she never answered the phone (not to mention that SD19 was in the middle of her meltdown and was no longer living with us). She does not take kindly to calls from DH and he only ever calls if he has issues to discuss re the kids. But since he effectively was given sole custody by her leaving, he has not had to call very often. The other posters did raise an interesting point – about the woman who was only a good mother when the kids were young and/or is feeling guilt about leaving them.  Who knows?  She certainly isn’t going to tell anyone. Not her kids and certainly not us. BM’s not even talking to her own mother and hasn’t in years.  So, a lot of this is familiar stuff to that branch family of the SK’s family tree. Anyhoo… Norma

Response:

In article <GhfLb.31075$AJB.13…@news04.bloor.is.net.cable.rogers.com>, Nell  <n…@fritzy.ca> wrote: >Anyway, the doting mother has turned into a non-existant mother. >Everyone is astounded by her behaviour. DH and I are hoping that it >doesn’t signify that perhaps she’s gone dotty or something. That would >be the last straw. I don’t even want to think of what would ensue if we >found out that BM had gone over the edge.  However, she told SD19 last >spring that she had tried to throw herself in front of a bus. We don’t >know why she didn’t. Or even if she actually tried.  Of course this >makes the SK’s worry when they don’t hear from her. As SD19 said last >night, "well, at least I know she’s not dead."

I remember growing up I had a neighbor who had quite a few children. She loved them and doted on them when they were babies, but became depressed and couldn’t deal with them when they became older children/teens.  She just couldn’t relate to them any more, and as each one grew up, she’d "replace" him or her with another baby to love and dote on.  I’m not certain, but I think she had some kind of breakdown when she finally didn’t have any more babies in the house and the kids kind of ran wild because their parents couldn’t really effectively handle them. Deb R.

Response:

> By the way, I suspect that someone (or perhaps more than one)  in this > newsgroup has a virus.  

I was going to add that assp is the only newsgroup where I ever post anymore, if you don’t count the occasional post to rec.gardens.orchids. But, I just did a search for myself on Google groups and had forgotten that I also made a few posts to some forsale groups. So… it is likely that the virus is coming from there and not here. Mind you, virus checking is a good idea in any case. Norma

Response:

"Nell" <n…@fritzy.ca> wrote in message

news:GhfLb.31075$AJB.13663@news04.bloor.is.net.cable.rogers.com… >>snip>> Fast forward to 2003.  BM did not call SD(now 21) on her birthday in > Sept. She did not call SS(now 17) on his in November or SD(now 19) on > hers in December. She did not sent birthday cards or e-mail. She did not > send Christmas cards or presents. Did not call on Christmas. They have > tried numerous times to call her and tried again on Christmas Day. >snip>> > Norma

Weird. Have you or DH tried to speak to BM to find out what’s going on? Nikki

Response:

After the meltdown with SD(now 19) over the last two years and the subsequent reconciliation this fall (which is still going amazingly well), I haven’t had any need to post. The only issues I’ve had have been family issues, not really SP issues. Our BM moved to the west coast two years ago, saying that her job was done, the kids were raised.  At that time the oldest SD was 18 and headed off to university. Middle SD was 16 and SS was 14.  It was middle SD who bore the brunt of this, hence the trouble that ensued as referenced above.  SS weathered the abandonment in silence and seems to have no lasting scars, at least none that he shows the world. He appears happy and well-adjusted, but he’s the strong silent type and who knows what’s lurking under the surface. Fast forward to 2003.  BM did not call SD(now 21) on her birthday in Sept. She did not call SS(now 17) on his in November or SD(now 19) on hers in December. She did not sent birthday cards or e-mail. She did not send Christmas cards or presents. Did not call on Christmas. They have tried numerous times to call her and tried again on Christmas Day. SD21 finally got an answer when she called her mother a few nights ago.   She told BM that SD19 desperately wanted to hear from her, so BM phoned SD19 night before last.  SD told us about this conversation yesterday and it broke my heart to hear of it.  She was cold to her mother at first so BM wanted to know what was wrong. Sheesh.  SD then listed the numerous times BM had brushed them off or been totally absent.  So BM said she was sorry, but that she was out walking a lot on Christmas Day, or had to work late on their birthdays, or yadda-yadda-yadda. She was a bad mother, she knew. Uhhuh. All of this is so weird.  I remember the days when she used to make the kids call her every night to say Good Night before they went to bed. She put little notes in their pockets saying "Remember Mommy loves you" that I’d find when I did the laundry.  I’ll never forget the panic on the 7/9/11-year-old faces when they realized they’d forgotten to make their phone call. Once, SS woke up around midnight realizing he’d not made his phone call and insisted on making it them. We let him. DH asked SS if he’d woken up his mother and SS said no, she’d been waiting by the phone for him to call. Urk. Anyway, the doting mother has turned into a non-existant mother. Everyone is astounded by her behaviour. DH and I are hoping that it doesn’t signify that perhaps she’s gone dotty or something. That would be the last straw. I don’t even want to think of what would ensue if we found out that BM had gone over the edge.  However, she told SD19 last spring that she had tried to throw herself in front of a bus. We don’t know why she didn’t. Or even if she actually tried.  Of course this makes the SK’s worry when they don’t hear from her. As SD19 said last night, "well, at least I know she’s not dead." All of this is really making me long for the days when she lived only a few blocks away and was a major PITA. At least we knew how to deal with the problems she caused. In fact, things were going along so well towards the time she left that she even let me into her house to help her get the truck loaded. (But that’s another story). Anyway, reading some of the posts this morning about making kids phone their mother reminded me of all this and thought I’d share. Norma By the way, I suspect that someone (or perhaps more than one)  in this newsgroup has a virus.  I have started getting what appears to be spam but I had it analyzed by an expert who tells me that they are all generated by a virus. The message is the same for all of them (something about p*nis enlargement). It virus searches the headers of messages in a person’s mail folder or newsgroup file). It picks any two email addresses at random, assigns one as the from address, the other as the To address and generates the message and mails it out.  Of course, the messages I get are the ones that have my address in the To address. It might be a good idea for us all to run a virus-check and eliminate th is sucker.  The messages don’t get picked up by a spam filter because they are not truly spam.

Response:

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